Holy crap are we screwed.

In effort to help win the war against terrorism the Pentagon has created a futures market for terrorist attacks.

Forget day trading and cancel your Schwab account, it’s time to tune into CNN and watch the dividends roll in!

Looking for a short term, high yield, low risk investment? Put down ten large on the assassination of Yasser Arafat. Get your money out of those California energy bonds and put it all on a biochemical attack on Disneyland — the Happiest Place on Earth is about to earn you 50%.

Have a sleeper terrorist cell living next door? Then wake them up, put ’em to work, place your order, and grab a swim suit. You’re gonna need it for swimming in all that money you’ll make on the Policy Analysis Market. No need to worry about the SEC or insider trading with the PAM.

It sounds too sick to be true — something that only Colin Quin could make up — unfortunately it’s real and already cost us $600k.

If this is the best our government can do to prevent terrorism then dammit I want my money back. I’ll give it to someone who seems to have a better idea of how a government should act.