Better America.

I think it’s time for the United States to become more of a positive role model for the world.

Instead of always being known as the guys with the Whitehouse, Wall Street, Smartbombs, and Freedom of Speech lets drop some of our unique quirks that Ben Franklin created mostly to piss the British off, and get into the global scene.

Just like Benetton wants us to do.

Ten Steps to a Better America:

  1. Adapt the Metric system. Why not? The rest of the world runs on Metrics. Does Congress have any idea how hard it is to watch foreign television on PBS? They’re always talking about metric this and metre that. Tell Sears its over — no more milking the world for two sets of Craftsman tools.

  2. Drop MPH for KPH. Driving through Canada would be so much easier. Trying to figure out how many miles equals a kilometer is a pain in the butt and once you get to a gas station you’re back to problem #1 when trying to figure out what the hell a litre is.

  3. Get with the world on favorite sports. Focus all sport money, strategy, and attention to dominating soccer (or football), rugby, cricket, auto racing (excluding NASCAR and all derivatives of it) and sailing — tournaments, cups, and matches. To help accomplish this move all NFL, NBA, and MLB games to an obscure network like UPN. Start calling it a pitch instead of a field.

  4. Keep disliking the French. They’re so damn irritating and only the French like the French. Keep importing and mispronouncing croissant (i.e. kras-sant). Yummy.

  5. Quit watching Survivor. Instead, focus summer television viewing towards Big Brother 2. Consider this as important to our new culture as football (soccer).

  6. Give David Hasselhof a chance. Come-on Michael Knight isn’t so bad when he sings… uh, is he? The Germans have grown to love him and we should do the same. Lets quit being so hasty to shovel him across the Atlantic. We might have a talent goldmine on our hands.

  7. Burn McDonalds down. Coca-Cola and Starbucks are nowhere near as obnoxious as the golden arches have become. Keep pushing cigarettes though, the French love to smoke and that’s good for the GDP bottom-line. Plus it keep the folks in the south in the money and away from trying to start a new government in Atlanta.

  8. Give the Statue of Liberty to U2 for use in their next world tour. Take that American Flag lined jacket away from Bono, cause he’s about to trade up and it’s not a good idea to have a national symbol being sweat upon. Throw in the Ghostbusters, from the second movie, as an added bonus.

  9. Stop working forty-plus hours a week. Everyone hates working anyway so why not adopt the thirty-two or thirty-five hour work week like our European brothers and sisters? Start using the word Holiday instead of Vacation. For example: “I’m buying petrol for a fantastic road voyage during our holiday.”

  10. Demolish the American two-party political system. Instead, push for as many different parties as possible with a target of, say, thirty-two. Instead of voting on “Election Day” have Simon Cowell create a new television show called ‘Presidential Idol‘ whereby the nominees are stranded in Iowa and have to survive without soft money, BBQs, or campaign staff. Cross fingers for a total Lord of the Flies style showdown.