Alright, that’s enough! From here on out the entire State of Florida should no longer be allowed to hold elections. They just don’t know how to do it. Not even with easy to use computer touch screens can the people of the Sunshine State cast a ballot successfully. No matter how hard they try, or how many millions of tax dollars are spent, Florida can’t pull it off.
The right to vote in America should have a three strikes law. If you can’t get it right on the third try, you’re out! Go back to playing Bingo and eating Early Birds.
That said, I hate to see a good state turn ugly so here is a short list of methods we could use to help our fellow Americans stay in the democracy game.
Send in representatives from the United Nations to monitor elections and to make sure local guerillas, from the swamp aren’t rigging the elections or forcing people to vote stupidly. That is a potential that’s not even been thought of but it could be happening, swamp people are just that weird.
Give Florida’s status as a ‘state’ to Puerto Rico and make Florida a territory that doesn’t have to hold any important elections. That way if future elections are messed up, nobody is going to care. Besides, Puerto Rico has been wanting to become a state forever so they are bound to get it right the first time.
Or, keep Florida as a state but let Puerto Rico do the voting for them. We have designated hitters and kickers in professional sports. Lets use the same strategy to help Florida hold a successful election.
Hold elections once a month at Walt Disney World. With so many visitors from around the nation it will be possible to find a large group of people who know how to vote. Disney could help this process by opening a new theme park called Goofy’s Chadland or Mickey’s Touchscreenland.
Hire Castro to help Florida fix their problems with the election process. He has won every election in his own country since the 60’s. With that kind of track record, he should know how to make it all work properly. However, approach this idea with caution as he may have enough charisma to actually beat Jed Bush in the next Florida election.