I can’t tell you how much it pisses me off that nuclear weapons are still a thorn in humanity’s side. It’s not that I believe we would all be wearing flowing white robes and holding hands if we didn’t have nukes, but what the hell does it take to get rid of these things and the people who keep ordering them as if they were upsizing their extra value meal?

Look, if Singapore can enforce capital punishment on people who chew gum on a sidewalk then I think it might be possible to do something similar with nuclear weapons ownership. How many guys are going to build short rage nukes if they know it’s going to lead to fifty lashings with a wet cane across their bare back? That goes for members of NATO as well as the Axis of Evil.

You think Mohammad Khatami gives a flying crap how many nuclear weapons we have? Hell no, because he knows we’re not going use them any time soon. In fact It would take a modern day virgin-Mary-on-a-cheese-sandwich miracle for a permanent member of the Security Council to push the button — with the exception of the French who tend to go off without any warning or provocation, just ask Greenpeace.

What really gets the blood boiling is how badly our diplomacy with North Korea has failed in the last decade. In that time they have managed to do some DIY atomic action. It’s really bad. I mean really, really bad that a complete nut job like Kim Jong Il has access to a book of matches, let alone the merciless and unharnessed power of the atom.

We chased Sadam into a dirt condo because some CIA agent’s girlfriend, who’s sister’s best friend knows the girlfriend of a United pilot that flies to Nigeria every Monday and once saw an Arab guy at the airport talking to a black dude. And we took all that to mean Iraq had chemical weapons.

And now with our troops committed beyond what I’ve read to be safe operating limits in the Middle East, we aren’t in a position to do anything about North Korea save for begging China to please get involved with their comrade’s future. I’m sure the Bush administration is on it’s knees, praying that Hu Jintao will push away from capitalism for a few minutes…be a good Communist parent and smack Lil’ Kim upside the head.

I can’t say that I would blame China for just sitting back and watch as their number one importer and foe struggles with the headaches that come with being into everybody else’s business. We depend on each other so much now that our fates are nearly sealed.

Perhaps our only hope is to send stealth bombers over Pyongyang and drop an unholy amount of Baywatch DVDs, cell phones and bubble gum. Where diplomacy has failed, only David Hasselhoff can save us now.