I have a situation. Ramses, our male cat, is uh, having problems containing his number-one game inside the rink. It all started months ago, suddenly and seemingly at random but as time has passed, and after a discussion with Bill the Cat Sitter (who has likely tended to more cats than the Egyptians did back when they built pointy buildings and walked around like they were all living in the game Lode Runner) it’s now apparent that this is has become regular thing.

Look, I know that cats age faster than humans but I didn’t think that after six years they turned into prunes with a need for a lap blanket and a colostomy bag. Still the problem exists and as there is no veterinary equivalent to House M.D. I am left to my own devices in coming up with a theory as to why this is happening.

This is what I know so far:

  • There have been no radical changes to the cat’s living environment since moving here more than two years ago save for a slight upgrade to the audio/visual equipment in the living room.

  • There have been no radical changes to the cat’s diet.

  • There have been no radical changes within the Moulton Niguel Water District (concluded through deductive reasoning that as I am also a male, then I too would have a problem with my “aim” if changes had been made to our common source of drinking water, and I can assure you that is not the case).

  • My kill/death ratio in Halo has shown moderate improvements over same date, last fiscal year. Not really relevant to this case but all the facts need to be on the table during an investigation.

  • Starbucks has improved the quality of their core products and store experience through changes in management structure, training, and upsell tactics. While the cat rarely makes into Starbucks I can understand how news of these changes could have an impact on a guy. Relevant? Remember, think: WWHMDD?!

  • The cats have received packages addressed to them specifically, sent by caring “grandparents”. These boxes were thought to contain toys made from feathers, drug paraphernalia, and samples of dietary supplements.

It is with all these facts in mind that I have come to one simple conclusion: My cat hasn’t been able to hit the side of a barn because he has fallen for spam email propaganda and has started to take penis enlarging drugs. My hunch is that these supplements come from a pharmaceutical company called Phormorenchez but I’m having a hell of a time finding where he’s keeping the bottles so that part might not be completely accurate, but I bet it is!

Damn you Nancy Regan! If you would have done your day job back in olden times we would never have had this spam email drug problem to begin with and now it’s impacted our home, our lives, eight-rolls of paper towels, and our spare-bathroom tile—quite possibly forever, but hopefully for no more than four hours. Otherwise we’re going to have to consult a doctor and at this time of night I think you have to pay them quadruple overtime.