Fail whale. Fail Captain Ahab. Fail Ishmael. Fail the Pequod and her whole damn crew! Oh, just @&$% a %!&@$, fail all of Twitter!

So my Twitter account has been hacked and stolen. Seven days ago, I filed a report suggesting that my account had been hacked because I could no longer login, nor could I change my password. Three days later, Twitter replied with a scripted email that read,


We had a look at your account, and it appears that everything is now resolved!

If that’s not the case, please reply to this message and we’ll continue to help.

Thanks, Twitter

Neat! Immediately I tried to login again with the same unsuccessful result. I replied to the email—as instructed—and to date have not received a reply. A day later I submitted another new ticket and have yet to receive a reply. Today, I couldn’t submit a ticket because the account @brilliantcrank “does not exist.”

My profile has been destroyed. My handle has been replaced. All of the accounts I followed are gone; thousands of accounts that I culled together have been replaced. Fifteen years of my Twitter history have been deleted. The only thing left is the date I started the account back in November 2006. Twitter is the last social network that I participate in, and now it’s gone. I’m gone.

And for what, an account that shows some arbitrary start date? What does that mean to anyone else? It’s not good for SEO. It doesn’t validate anything posted to the account. Why bother?

I’m way more irritated at Twitter than I am with the persons who took the account. What does it say about Twitter that their support folks don’t take hacking seriously? And more importantly, why are their systems unable to detect questionable activity like so many of my other accounts?

I just spent a few hours going through just about every core account I have and changed the passwords. And turned on two-factor authentication if it was not already. Now, not even my account my comic book buying account will work without secret passwords set to my phone. And Even after all of that, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Thankfully this is just about a social account. I can’t imagine having to deal with a frightful outcome of this happening to a financial or medical account.

Still, I’d like my account back.