Airbag Industries

Got Bela?

I don’t know what all the hubbub and nay-saying about genetic engineering is all about. Not when you take a look at a women’s Olympic gymnastics team and realize those girls aren’t nine years old and selling Girl Scout cookies on the side.

There had to be a defining, yet quiet moment in history when some scientists, having drinks after work, started talking about ways they could improve athletic performance with “vitamins”, gulag-style training, pressure chambers, way-better floor mats, machines that go ping, and a strict diet of water. They sketched out these new techniques on a cocktail napkin hoping their ideas would earn them a ticket out of the Siberian labor camp.

And then at some point in history someone (Soviets) had to say yes to the plan and replaced food (vodka) with a syringe and pull-ups with an astronaut (cosmonaut) training program. Of course we (Yankee devils) followed suit because it was appropriate to use the Olympics as a battleground in the Cold War (Lake Placid) — ah, those were the days.

Boo-yaka! Let these people grow! Is it not possible for a woman twice their size (like 5’3″ and 103 lbs.) to do a routine on the uneven bars? Do they build these bonsai-gymnasts because the floor exercise equipment can’t handle the stress of a regular person? And what’s with the pommel horse? Did that thing come from medieval Europe or what?

Speaking of horses, why haven’t we seen a Deion Sanders of the horse racing and gymnastics world? Both sports seem to require the same engineered body type so you know it’s totally doable.