Last night at 23:46 Patrol One “Officer” 984 at post Y045 entered my garage—the door of which I had left open accidentally—and placed a NOTICE on my car alerting me to the fact that the garage door was open. At 11:46 PM (or 23:46 in Rent-A-Paramilitary-Cop-Time-Code) I was wide awake, working, with many lights on. Lights, that could be seen by anyone who can see through their eyes, which I would assume includes trooper 984 but historical documentation says otherwise.

There were enough lights on that would indicate to anyone with an IQ higher than baloney that I was not asleep, but active and awake. And yet while I was working away, Sergeant Numbnut sat in his Patrol One Patrol Car, carefully took down all my vehicle information, ripped the White Copy away from the triplicate form, walked into my garage, and laid this document on my vehicle.

Meanwhile I was on the other side of the garage wall, working through the wee hours of the morning, oblivious to both my community appearance infraction but more importantly the guf-fah I had made to my own personal safety.

So it was this morning I was surprised to learn that I had left the garage door open and felt rather stupid about the whole thing. That is, until I saw 984’s handiwork, laid carefully on the top of my car. Livid is the word I would use to best describe my reaction as I read through this carefully penned notice. Instead of walking fifteen paces to my front door, ringing the door bell (or knocking), so as to gain my attention and suggest that if I wish to avoid being the victim of some type of crime I might consider closing the largest entrance to my house for the night, this moron walked into an extension of my home and left a note to say the obvious. Why tomorrow, I expect to see a note that says, “You’re awake now.” Or, “the sun will rise today.” Or, “Obama Won.”

I don’t exactly know what the hiring practices at Patrol One are but from my own personal experience I’d have to guess that full-time employment requires a fourth grade education and the ability to use a ink-ball pen. Eye sight (20/20 or significantly lower) and rational thinking is preferred, but not required. Free clothes provided.