Airbag Industries

Macworld.

When it comes to the annual MacWorld Steve Jobs keynote it’s almost household knowledge that big things are unveiled. The secrecy, like the butt cheeks of all uber Macheads, is a clinched vice, and any leaks about new products is a guaranteed death sentence. Many websites try to break the story with what little information they get but the trick is to know people on the inside, rebels who feels the pre-keynote information is too important to be kept under some silly NDA and should be shared with the rest of the world. Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

Lazarus — Combining the mighty power of the Intel processor and iLife ’06, Apple has found a way to bring people back from the dead. Enter the right information into the iFlux Capacitor, click Submit, and your loved one or figure in history will be sent to you via FedEx (no overnight to Alaska or Hawaii). Engraving will be free for the first month.

Job — Tired of the man keeping you from your inner creative genius? Want to do nothing but snow board and make iMovies about it? Apple believes that everyone has the power to create but a large majority of you can’t because you have a day job. Shipping in February, “Job” will do all of that work for you. The first version will handle a variety of skills that include: accounting, detective, refrigeration repair, paralegal, sales, aviation mechanic, blogger, landscaping and more. Other career packs will follow.

.Mac — Some .Mac subscribers saw an increase in their storage over the last few weeks. This was done to test the new data center that has been built deep inside salt caves located somewhere in Nevada. Starting next week users will have access to unlimited terabytes of storage and you can now, literally, back up your digital lifestyle, your three martini lunch lifestyle, your tree hugging sappy lifestyle, and even your accept paybacks politician lifestyle. The new .Mac comes with a wi-fi enabled remote that has just one button: Sync. Users will be required to stand under power lines while syncing but Apple feels it’s a decent trade-off.

iBooks — Not to be outdone by MIT, Apple will include a hand crank for the iBook line. Wanna send an instant message but don’t have power? Insert the hand crank, give it a few twirls and voila!, you have two-percent power, enough to login and send a message before the iBook shuts down again. Need to write a dissertation but you are in the middle of North Dakota? Again, insert the hand crank and turn that baby around for about a half-an-hour and you’ve got enough power to write the abstract and/or post to your blog.

PowerMacs — With the new Intel chips it was hard to only include two or four of them at a time because they are so tiny and don’t require heat sinks the size of masonry. That left a lot of room for the engineers to play with so the new PowerMacs will ship with sixteen dual core processors that are kept cool by floating in a bag of liquid nitrogen. The speed is off the charts and NASA has been brought in to help calculate just how fast this thing is. As a demonstration, Steve will launch a set of Adobe Photoshop actions that will resize every image on the planet, turn the atmosphere sepia, and then back to normal, all within about one minute and some change.

iPod Rice — Who knew Saturday Night Live had it right?! When I first heard about this I had to ask my source to repeat the information because it seemed so unreal. Indeed the next iPod to ship is called Rice and, yes, it’s the size of rice. The device store songs as molecules and has the capacity of 5 gigabyte drive. Headphones are now wireless through Bluetooth (finally) and you will navigate between songs through learned ESP. Incredible!

Lastly, as I understand it, Jobs will end his keynote by introducing a plan for the invasion of Creative Labs as part of a preemptive strike against — what has become too common — more and more assaults by Creative against Apple’s intellectual property. The first wave of attacks will be carried out by the 85th Legal Department with battleground support provided by the 179th Web Division and the 102nd Kitchen Staff. The goal is to target the power center at Creative while leaving the rest of the company intact and ready for auction.