On Writing.

StingIn my own personal pursuit of finding Forrester, I have done a little unqualified research and analysis to discover what makes a good writer, or, what passes as the high mark of weblog writing.

So in proper Friday Fun, here’s the short list of thirteen tips to make you a better blog writer?

  1. Pick a journalist from either a left or right wing, obscure journal and routinely disagree with their work while calling them all sorts of names that deal with animal parts.

  2. Criticize the United States of America, the President, and any US foreign or domestic policy. Never criticize the minority of any position. Repeat.

  3. Link to lots and lot of books that also (on occasion) coincide with the Oprah Winfrey Book Club. Do not link to anything popular culture with the exception of digital cameras or MP3 players.

  4. Speak much about the swank martini and vintage wine parties that are attended by the local literati. Show pictures of yourself with other future Nobel prize winners with a drink or cigarette in hand. Both whenever possible.

  5. Criticize Republicans and conservatives. Repeat.

  6. Sometimes, just to play with your audience, write something that makes no sense at all but could be confused with writing brilliance. It helps to kill a few brain cells before attempting to write this one, or, if you have already killed 10% of your brain during that stint in college; then proceed at will.

  7. Criticize Christianity and Christians. Repeat.

  8. Make liberal use of the ‘F’ word. Don’t use the ‘S’ word, that’s too NASCAR.

  9. Tinker with the searching functions of Google, documenting every small detail. Write extensively about your discoveries.

  10. Taunt, and taunt again, anyone who would consider the ownership of a gun. The NRA is always a great topic on a slow day.

  11. Be sure to minimalize the design of your blog as well. The focus is on the text, not whatever you can hack in Photoshop. And forget the use of Flash. Once you put anything Flash on your site then forget the pursuit of writing because you have lost your way.

  12. Never speak of watching television unless it’s something on PBS. Once you’ve made a reference to Felecity, it’s over. Delete your blog and go find another hobby.

  13. Link to Textism.