Things I was supposed to learn in kindergarden but didn’t because I was out sick that day.

Cats do like water, but only on their terms and very much alone. No matter how aqua friendly your cat might be they don’t like the buddy system in the pool.

When a moving company tells you to trust them after they bust off a fire sprinkler and destroy your furniture, don’t. That’s the secret signal to call your lawyer.

Never speed past an off duty police officer because he loves to bust people more than he wants to take his wife to dinner. And yes, he’ll be armed.

Keep in mind, the kid in the polo shirt and khaki pants is only working at Best Buy to avoid flipping burgers for six dollars an hour. Take heed when listening to his pimply expert advice.

Creativity in Hollywood is far from dead, it’s just being terrorized and held hostage by corporate lawyers who almost always prefer the safe bet to the big gamble that could result in shock-and-awe.

No one reads past the first few sentences. After that, they scan the text and formulate their opinion while scurrying to find a text area and submit button. I could have written about tater-tots here and no one will know.

No matter how much longer you outlive everyone you know, Star Wars toys from the first three episodes will never be worth anything to a collector, not even mint-on-card.

A mathematical formula can be used to determine the potential success of a television sitcom. Math teaches us that the British know how to make a damn good comedy.

Don’t kid yourself, neither Statefarm or any other insurance company is ever “there”. And they won’t be “there” until you pay a large deductible.

Winning a game of Warcraft III against a 14 year old is so improbable it’s likely to induce a violent nuclear explosion. Don’t even think about reaching for that copy of Starcraft.

An ever growing percentage of parents will continue to blame everyone but themselves for being a bad parent and will continue to push their children into lives they could never fulfill.

If you look like Uncle-Buck-John-Candy then do not dress up like Tour-de-France-Lance-Armstrong while riding with your cycling group around Newport Beach. It will turn ugly when Greenpeace arrives.

Nobody from a small populated area will trust that you know what you’re talking about. Instead they will hire a consultant from another state because anyone smart enough to live elsewhere must be a freaking genius.

You can’t fail if you don’t try. And when you do fail, blame it on the leaders of the opposite political party you are most closely affiliated with — start a blog about it.