There is many o’ time I have been accused of using way too much cleaning and/or body product. Shampoo, hand soap, liquid hand soap, toilet paper, shaving cream, sun screen, hair stiffener, laundry detergent — the list is long.

According to the Hygiene Pope there is a correct amount of product to use for each task. I ask how she knows this, maybe I missed something in home economics or health class, she shrugs and says, “I just do”. It would seem that her Holiness was curiously born with the knowledge.

Myself I think it’s all in relation to size. I am bigger and to therefore require (or want to use) more. You should see the tiny dollops of hair soap St. Storey hath deemed necessary for proper hair cleansing and scalp conditioning. Think the area the size of a penny, whereas I’m going for two silver dollars, three quarters and a nickel.

In nine years of blissful marriage, I have learned to live with rationing. I’ve found it helps to pretend that we’re still at war with Germany — that every ounce of product I use keeps us further from victory. One time I imagined that we lived in communist Romania but that lead to day-dreaming about bread lines, Stalin, and tanks, but that didn’t make for a very pleasant morning.

More importantly, what the hell is up with soap that no longer smells like soap? What idiot thought it would be a good idea to put fragrance in cleaning products?

It was one thing when you wanted your towels to smell like a spring day, but quite another when every damn cleaning product smells like lavender. And I know it’s not just my home. I’ve been out there, in your homes and I’ve seen how bad this trend has penetrated the every home in America, and parts of Canada, the good parts, the parts on the west coast.

The other day I took my personal Pontiff to a bed and breakfast. Upon entering the room a strong waft of lavender reached through and uppercut me in the jaw – I reeled back trying to find a pocket of non-scented air, weak from the mighty blow.

Lavender! It’s everywhere! My wife would sleep in fields of it if she could. Almost every cleaning product, personal and industries, is lavender. Thank heavens the people at Charmin have had the good sense to keep my toilet paper plain.

Whatever happened to the basics? When I go the car wash they at least show some restraint by offering only four choices: vanilla, pine, citrus (formally called orange), or none at all, which is the best choice in my humble opinion.

The American car wash is the last place on earth where a guy has the option of not smelling like a candle. I’d almost considered changing careers until tonight; while shopping for laundry detergent I came across a new scent, Mountain Clean. I know my Maytag Neptunes will thank me later.

If we must live in a scented world, then I think it’s high time companies like Arm & Hammer started making products targeted towards the clean conscious male. I’m talking scents like: Offroad Morning, Fresh Cut Lawn, Fall Stadium, Red Dawn and New Powerbook. It’s a whole new line of products that clean with smells that motivate. Now that’s a cleaning product I can get behind.