In a few hours little Paris Hilton will go back to court wherein it will be decided whether she must return to prison for the remainder of her sentence. If she gets to go home because it’s just too scary for her then we should all calmly stop what we are doing, make our way to Beverly Hills, and in fine Los Angeles tradition riot openly in the streets.
Once there please do your best to gather tools that can make fire. Considering the location and terrain this likely means bashing in car windows so as to retrieve lighters. If none can be found then use the lighter installed in the automobile itself, they can be found in all make of cars from Ferrari to Aston Martin. Once fire has been discovered start looking for things that are compatible with fire.
This includes: car interiors, piles of clothes, driftwood, toy poodle fur (attached or not is up to you), designer clothes, card board, and all forms of currency. Consider your surroundings, it’s likely that the best fuel source will come from shopping bags (though I’m not sure if those stringy handle things will actually burn). If you come across fine wine please do not not destroy it but instead send all wine to the Paris Hilton Riot Command Center where we will, uh, find many mass-destructive purposes for it.
Car tipping is optional but it does make for good television. If you must tip and/or burn cars please restrict these activities to lesser Mercedes and BMWs as they are cheaply made anyway and deserve to be sacrificed for live television.
Should anyone get in your way make a menacing face and ask for a hand-out. This will cause the locals confusion and make them think you are not rioting but simply a local homeless person. Use your best karate-chop to pacify the person and drag them to a safe location and yes it’s Ok if you rummage for a $20 or five, you did after-all drag them to safety from a riot.
As is customary if you happen to pass by an electronics store find a way in and starting throwing products out of the store and onto the street. If said shop only has flat panel TVs use the florescent lights instead as they will make a bigger crashing sound — flat panels only make a dull thud and don’t look spectacular crashing to the pavement like glass does. If you can, hold back on all of these types of activities until the television helicopters with HD cameras arrive.
When the Po-Po arrive run in the opposite direction to the nearest Starbucks, refresh yourself with something large and ending in -chino. Wipe any riot stains or smudges from your person and then start talking into your cell phone about how unfair it is that Tom Cruise’s wife is reconsidering her marriage and that you’re on your way to Malibu for the weekend. This will confuse law enforcement into thinking you are a just a local homeless person.