The post-blog Internet is on the minds of more than a few people I know, a subject often discussed. Of course no resolution is made, no solution found. Until now — like 5 minutes ago.
I assure you it’s not a scenario where everyone gets to Kottke. That’s a position in life that few people will hold. It’s probably easier to become a monarch and blog full time than blog full time about monarchs, monarcharies and the monarcherati.
What I’ve masterminded is busting out of the blog vertical altogether, an idea that requires some real ‘outsource to Neverland‘ thinking. Before we begin I can’t stress enough how important it is that you continue blogging — you can’t forget your roots. This will make more sense later.
The first step is to start a solo career in music. Can’t sing? No worries mate. I can assure you that selling a single in iTunes Music Store does not necessitate being able to carry a tune, that’s what Macintoshes are for. All you need to do is belt out some words to some sort of rhythm (ta-ta-tee-tee-ta). Then take your lyrical genius, launch Garageband, throw a few samples in for good clubbing measure and viola you have a hit single.
Any genre of music will do as long as it appeals to 14-24 year olds. However I suggest finding a niche that can be played on hip-hop, pop, alternative country, rock jock, retro stations just to be on the safe side.
Do not start a band! Very important! Remember this is an extension of your blog and you can’t spell b-l-o-g with t-e-a-m. Resist any and all offers to ‘trade links’ with lamers who are trying to leech onto your assured up-and-coming success. Embrace any and all tribes that consider you better than them because these people will become your ‘base’ and they will be included as part of the demographic that makes up your expected earnings profile.
Blog, check. Hit single, check. Now we need a music video.
Don’t worry about your looks at this point. If you are in need of weight loss/gain and/or radical plastic surgery (and who isn’t?) that’s fine but we’ll have it done after your single has placed in the Top 100 charts. When it comes time to shoot the music video just have them do something that just requires a head shot, like an old Cars video — anyone watching MTV at this point won’t even know who the cars are so your ‘new’ video will become an instant pop culture hit.
Remember, you can’t neglect your blog! You can’t forget the peeps who had your back from the beginning! In fact it’s likely that your second hit single is going to be all about growing up in the rough wilds of the Internet. How you stuck it to the man by blogging during the work day and wrote biting criticism against the establishment. In fact it might be a good time to change your look now. Borrow from past timelines in mixed cultures like so: America in the 50’s, China in the 60’s and Paris in 80’s. Wear some rainbow colored tinted shades at all times.
Once the hit has made it on Clear Channel then it’s time to prepare for television and the big screen. Ideally you want to hit all the talk shows. Just remember to jerk a tear when you tell Oprah how hard it was in the early days when all you had was just a blog — wait for the dramatic pause — then point and shift your Movable Type trucker cap towards camera #3. As the audience claps and ‘ahhhs’, bust out your emerald encrusted Sidekick and show the audience that you’re blogging right now! Sniff.
Obviously your climb from the bottom back story, hit single, hit video, and appearances on the talk show circuit are bound to get you a guest appearances on television shows like CSI. Try to make the cover of People magazine no matter what it takes. Date Ashlee Simpson if you have to, but only if you have to.
I should point out that after all of this you’ve probably made enough money to buy a brand new Chevrolet Cavalier. Some would consider that a success but taking this just a step further is where all of this pays off. I mean, you didn’t think all that music and television stuff was the icing on the cake did you? Hell no.
Now it’s time to blossom into the real blogst*r you are.
It’s time for you to go Martha Stewart, time to think about creating your own personal line of schwag. Of course you’ll announce all of this on your blog and maybe create a second blog to document the process of combining web standards with textiles to show how your blog can be worn on the streets of New York, London and Tokyo. And when Gizmodo calls don’t answer, make them feel some pain.
Hire some schlepp in SoHo to design and create your vision for the blog bag, blog Swatch, blog sweater vest set, blog press-on-nails kit, really the potential is endless. Make sure to blog your vision for a perfect future where war doesn’t exists and hundreds of thousands of animals are spared destruction because your clothing line is made from hemp and recycled garbage. Write open letters to the CEO of Target until they guarantee 24 sq. ft. of custom fixture store-within-a-store. Add a ticker to your blog the shows how much money you are earning per minute and how that compares with the national debt.
With money rolling in and your four-one-one secured in Paris Hilton’s diamond encrusted Sidekick it’s finally time to redesign your blog and talk to friends about going beyond the post-post blog Internet.