Airbag Industries

Underoos.

ACT ONE : BLUE COLLAR EMO TYPE

Wherein Jason Santa Maria really doth make believe and prance around, truly believing, that he’th Trade Gothic.

Trade Gothic: Old bitmap!

Arial: Truetype!

Trade Gothic: Truetype. Sorry. What font lives in that suitcase over there?

Arial: I’m thirty-seven.

Trade Gothic: I– what?

Arial: I’m thirty-seven. I’m not old.

Trade Gothic: Well, I can’t just call you ‘Truetype’.

Arial: Well, you could say ‘Arial’.

Trade Gothic: Well, I didn’t know you were called ‘Arial’.

Arial: Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?

Trade Gothic: I did say ‘sorry’ about the ‘old bitmap’, but from the behind you looked–

Arial: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

Trade Gothic: Well, I am Trade Gothic

Arial: Oh, Trade Gothic, eh, very nice. And how d’you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there’s ever going to be any progress with the–

Times New Roman: Arial, there’s some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d’you do?

Trade Gothic: How do you do, good serif? I am Trade Gothic, Multiple Master of the Fonts. Whose suitcase is that?

Times New Roman: Multiple Master of the who?

Trade Gothic: The Fonts.

Times New Roman: Who are the Fonts?

Trade Gothic: Well, we all are. We are all Fonts, and I am your Multiple Master.

Times New Roman: I didn’t know we had a Multiple Master. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

Arial: You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working typefaces–

Times New Roman: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.

Arial: That’s what it’s all about. If only people would hear of–

Trade Gothic: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that suitcase?

Times New Roman: No one lives there.

Trade Gothic: Then who is your Bold?

Times New Roman: We don’t have a Bold.

Trade Gothic: What?

Arial: I told you. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of Bold Italics for the week,…

Trade Gothic: Yes.

Arial: …but all the decisions of that style have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting…

Trade Gothic: Yes, I see.

Arial: …by a simple majority in the case of purely font family…

Trade Gothic: Be quiet!

Arial: …but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major–

Trade Gothic: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

Times New Roman: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.

Trade Gothic: I am Multiple Master!

Times New Roman: Well, I didn’t vote for you.

Trade Gothic: You don’t vote for typefaces.

Times New Roman: Well, how did you become Trade Gothic, then?

Trade Gothic: Zapfino…

…her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Ligature from the bosom of the water signifying by Hoefler & Frere-Jones that I, Trade Gothic, was to carry Linotype Font Explorer.

That is why I am Multiple Master!

Arial: Listen. Strange serifs lying in ponds distributing type management software is no basis for a system of typography. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatical ceremony.

Trade Gothic: Be quiet!

Arial: Well, but you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just ’cause some watery tart threw a gliph at you!

Trade Gothic: Shut up!

Arial: I mean, if I went ’round saying I was a type collection just because some moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!

Trade Gothic: Shut up, will you? Shut up!

Arial: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

Trade Gothic: Shut up!

Arial: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I’m being disabled!

Trade Gothic: Bloody True Type!

Arial: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That’s what I’m on about. Did you see him disabling me? You saw it, didn’t you?

Fin.