Airbag Industries

Very Small Rocks.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT AIRBAG

It took almost all of the political capital I have to get a transcript of the jury deliberation in the Marth Stewart case. As most of you know, Martha will now be busy making stripes the new black. So I thought it was important to make sure she was tried fair and square by her peers.

Here is an excerpt:

PRESS: An inside trader! An inside trader! An inside trader! We’ve got An inside trader! An inside trader!JURY FOREMAN: We have found an inside trader, might we burn her?

PRESS: Burn her! Burn!

JUDGE: How do you know she is an inside trader?

JUROR #2: She looks like one.

JUDGE: Bring her forward.

MARTHA: I’m not an inside trader.

JUDGE: But you are dressed as one.

MARTHA: They dressed me up like this.

PRESS: No, we didn’t… no.

MARTHA: And this isn’t my nose, it’s a false one.

JUDGE: Well?

JURY FOREMAN: Well, we did do the nose.

JUDGE: The nose?

JURY FOREMAN: And the hat — but she is an inside trader!

PRESS: Burn her! Inside trader! Inside trader! Burn her!

JUDGE: Did you dress her up like this?

PRESS: No, no… no … yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.

JURY FOREMAN: She has got a wart.

JUDGE: What makes you think she is an inside trader?

JUROR #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.

JUDGE: A newt?

JUROR #3: I got better.

JUROR #2: Burn her anyway!

PRESS: Burn! Burn her!

JUDGE: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether

she is a inside trader.

PRESS: Are there? What are they?

JUDGE: Tell me, what do you do with inside traders?

JUROR #2: Burn!

PRESS: Burn, burn them up!

JUDGE: And what do you burn apart from inside traders?

JURY FOREMAN: More inside traders!

JUROR #2: Wood!

JUDGE: So, why do inside trader’s burn?

JUROR #3: Be’cause they’re made of wood…?

JUDGE: Good!

PRESS: Oh yeah, yeah…

JUDGE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

JURY FOREMAN: Build a bridge out of her.

JUDGE: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?

JUROR #2: Oh, yeah.

JUDGE: Does wood sink in water?

JURY FOREMAN: No, no.

JUROR #2: It floats! It floats!

JURY FOREMAN: Throw her into the pond!

PRESS: The pond!

JUDGE: What also floats in water?

JURY FOREMAN: Bread!

JUROR #2: Apples!

JUROR #3: Very small rocks!

JURY FOREMAN: Cider!

JUROR #2: Great gravy!

JURY FOREMAN: Cherries!

JUROR #2: Mud!

JUROR #3: Churches — churches!

JUROR #2: Lead — lead!

District Attorney: A duck.

PRESS: Oooh.

JUDGE: Exactly! So, logically…

JURY FOREMAN: If… she.. weighs the same as a duck, she’s made of wood.

JUDGE: And therefore—?

JURY FOREMAN: An inside trader!

PRESS: An inside trader!

Given the circumstances, I’d say she got off pretty good. Now if we could only find that evil, woodsy, floating, duck-like, warlock Steve Case.