Airbag has been around for a while, at least long before all these damn DIY-GTD blogs that carry the blatant stench of content formated in hopes of earning big click-through text-ad money. Sorry, if my attitude sounds piss poor then let me rephrase that statement in the form of a friendly riddle:

Q: What do French whores and DIY-GTD blogs have in common?

A: The both ping people for money.

Sure, some of this content is worthwhile, even sometimes useful, but I’m starting to see written instruction for tasks such as: boiling eggs, cleaning a workspace by putting everything in a box, and how-to push away from the computer so you can take a walk. Seriously.

If USENET was still around (Yeah I know it is but who the hell uses it anymore? Seriously? Ok, don’t answer that.) such discussion would have been kept under the group: alt.remedial.thinking.is.rad.

Still, being the “old guy”, I feel a bit left out, and wonder how much precious search engine optimized traffic I’m loosing on a daily, nay, hourly basis because I mostly use this space to take phonetic stabs at political leaders, irritate peers by pointing out flaws in their software, expound on the Superstring Theory, et cetera, et cetera.

Hereto I present my own DIY-GTD content in hope that it can prevent further dumbing-down of the web:

How to Stop Breathing Through Your Mouth

(Please consult your physician to know if nostril breathing is right for you)

To begin you will need to clear out the nasal passage by blowing your nose into facial tissue — repeat if necessary. And make sure to properly discard all facial tissue in a waste receptacle when done.

If this action does not fully clear your nose try using nasal spray or mentholatum to aid in the purging process. In extreme cases eating three-to-five tablespoons of potent hot sauce can be an effective tool in clearing your breath tubes — be prepared to cry a little.

After taking these steps you should be able to bring air in and through the nose. If you find yourself straining or feel any discomfort try looking for foreign objects that might be blocking the airway. Things like coins, crayons, candy corn, and Cheerios are the most commonly found items preventing nasal breathing in a substantial percentage of mouth breathers.

Once the passageways are free and clear it’s now time to stop breathing through your mouth and instead intake air through the nose. This is easily done by moving your bottom jaw in an upward fashion until your top and lower lips form a comfortable, airtight seal. Be careful not to close your mouth to quickly as you might inadvertently bite your tongue. Denture users may want to remove their teeth first to help avoid the potential discomfort of clipping the tip of the tongue.

When your mouth has been successfully closed, try to draw air into the lungs through your nose. If everything works like it should your lungs will fill with air. This might feel funny at first as the molecules fly through your nose hairs but after a few good deep breaths this sensation will become more natural and before you know it, you won’t feel a thing.

If after following this guide you are still unable to stop breathing through your mouth try placing two pieces of industrial strength duct tape over your word hole and effectively seal it shut.

Before you know it you’ll notice an increase in brain activity in no time.

Good luck.